WORDS I LEAVE FOR YOU TO FIND...

MINE FIELDS YOURS TOO

if it wasn't such a stretch
full of bridges most would
never seriously think about
much less try to cross,
i'd be at your doorstep
like a fulltime delivery boy,
with a package addressed to
deliver to the hands of-fragile.

as things rest now there isn't
a path to your door
not littered with obstacles
scattered about by previous visitors
that left with barely their tail
tucked away from view

splattered visions of remorse left by
those before me, worn out by the task
of trying to get through.
evidence of the trials
standing before judgement
dressed as and resembling you.

multi tasking taken to its ultimate
conclusion, those left standing no longer
sure what to do.
too simple to pass by,
too scared to lose
no forwarding address
means no bad news.
and here, no news is good,
but thats not news to you.

STILL

its all quiet now
the power seems to have just left.
floors that creaked with life
lay silent before me as i stare,
the only thing i see is you
but i stand alone.

the silence came slowly
hidden by a life taken by surprise
caught by a moment
when i blinked and held my eyes shut
against the sounds of words
that just could not be.

the only thing i could feel,
as i stood with still breezes that held the essence of you, as i stood alone,
unable to accept what i'd been told,
was fear.

as i inhaled the air deeply and felt your scent,
and after it, in a spot where i use to
hold you, and whisper messages so dear,
just silence.

CHALK MASTERPIECES

my beliefs washed away
like rain on sidewalk
chalk masterpieces
when i watched
as you moved away.

your reasons weren't something
i could reason my way through,
your answers weren't related to
my questions, but only a part of
your position that meant nothing,
seemingly.

left to hold my own hand
i felt the chill you might have
had you been there.
i could hear my breathing
like never before
i could feel the space
that i'd taken for granted between us
like never before.
i tasted my tears
that had never made their way
out of me,
like never before.

i stumbled while walking in a place
that used to be filled by two.
i fell, and no one was there to hear
me call out for you.

i didn't want to hear any more stories
i didn't want to play anymore games.
i couldn't hold your memories
and i couldn't remove the pain.

your life just seemed
to have existed beyond your control
and your reasons for it are beyond
what most call reasonable,
while reasonable seems to be
something thats escaped you.

and, unfortunately, i couldn't offer
anything that you couldn't
do for yourself.
and i feel lonely
like never before.
and you?

PAPER SKY

they fell out of the sky, silent before the storm, as i watched for some sign
that today would be a beginning
that today would be an end to all that
had held me down, kept me in check.

we're not sure, should we breathe, should we leave the place we have known as home?
is this the end, is today our ascent into the
clouds and dreams that all our lives we have
been forced to believe?

distant thunder coming closer
my children stare at me and see the fear that is different than i've ever shown.

paper from the sky, they say with words of
promise i can't understand, but i feel forced
to believe.
is this different than we've known
why should i believe in words that can fly?

why should i not question that to die is not
to die, that sacrafice will warm the hearts
of family and replace me in my bed
where forbidden love could hide.

will it fill my childrens hearts with pride
if they survive?
and if they do, is it luck or their sentence
for trusting paper from the sky?

NO MATCHES NECESSARY

it wasn't much of a story
as stories go.
infact, it was a pretty standard set
but i was impressed with the delivery,
and i kind of liked the line of her jaw.

it could of been real it could of been
fiction, i didn't have the motivation or the zeal to sort it out.
all i know was she had it down
and while she put her tricks on
i smiled at the thought of
her description of handcuffs,
and friction, and let her roll.

turns out i knew her and about her, from stories i'd heard and places forgotten,
where the lights were low and the dark was
blind to anyone not of the kind.

" it started with shots.." she said
instead of ending with them like most others
would.
i could tell she started up where most
dropped out,
she put the true in trooper.
where weaker types would of layed it down
she moved the plot along with energy
in reserve.

the movement of her hands showed that
each finger had a life of its own, guarding
a universe that spread across her palms,
holding stories that writers conjour, she
casually counted off peak times
like a table of contents
for the book of life.

initially, i figured her answers wouldn't
be up to the questions,
but it was the opposite.
with a raised eyebrow and a puff of smoke,
she blew off more humor
than a premeditated joke.
i have to admit, it was a great act.

and while i gathered questions
up to the task, i couldn't help but notice
i was becomming entranced,
while i idly wondered about the space
between her skin and her pants.

FOR MY LADY DI

in your eyes
i'm too serious,
and too immediate.
from where you stand,
time is of and about the essence,
from where i am this time we're in
is like a linear accelerator.

we look at it differently, our perspectives
don't seem to be close enough to discuss,
let alone understand.
and i know letting go is hard for you,
i feel it in your touch.
while i make it clear that i want nothing less
than to hold you close.

it drives me crazy, but at the same time,
i'm glad i'm not you.
because you're saddled with the burden
of having to deal with two.

my only problem is wanting you,
and waiting.
while you have got to decide what to do.
and with whom.

ONE OF A TON TO SHARON

there we were
wrapped up in each other
like the waiter in his wet suit
amazed at his suggestion
that he take our dish of rain soup.

pretend its france i said
and its only a mist
my romantic nature you see
tried to set the scene for a kiss.

jokes about star gazing
with no more names to drop
told between my silences
while your laugh kept my eyes transfixed.

i found it difficult to carry on light
conversation, although the wine helped
me out.
you made it so easy to be nervous
and my anxiety showed through no doubt.

how i cherished your company that day
hand in hand
defenses down
it wasn't easy being neutral
on such unfamiliar ground.
i had to stop myself from leaning
towards you, and more than once,
my stares were found.

watching you match
the words to my lips,
both stories you'd probably heard,compassion at a price,
you displayed such reserve.

so you leave me to
sit and wonder
like you know i will.
thrusting myself out
into the wind at
your control
whats it like bringing whirlwinds
to their knees, conversations to a stop,
starting dreams.

so who am i to think
theres an interest.
who am i to think
i could be different than
those you've known?

who could imagine
i could make you happy
and convince you my love
is more than what you've been shown?

who are you to command
all this adulation
whats to guarantee
any future consideration?

hope, is my reply to me,
when i have this conversation
and until i hear different
it will be my preservation.

2-14-'84

when i think about it now
how we are
i wonder at the way we were
not so long ago.

me moving toward you
you not so sure
what i wanted.
holding me off
giving but not sharing
touching by reflex.

i'm not sure what caused you
to turn your head
and look at me for the first time,
i'm sure it had something to do
with finally getting your attention,
but not necessarily something i said.

now we talk of love
looking forward to each day
like a picture book of memories
we are living while we watch.
we have shared so much it amazes me
though it seems like yesterday
we first touched.

with memories yet to come
each day brings so much
and each touch reminds us
the last was not enough.

NO MORE EIGHTBALLS

it happens when you wouldn't think
it's time to go beyond.
it's the time when what you know
and what you need look like they
might not intertwine.

it's that time when what you want
and what you've got are nowhere near
what you've been left with.
it's that zone only you know,
it's all your own.

it's not reality, it often seems like hilarity
it may feel like some kind of clarity,
it's beyond and between what it should be
and a long way from where you might have
visualized.

it's a long way, it's not along the way,
it's further than
anywhere has a right to be,
and then its beside you.

sometimes as elusive as a shadow
changing as if possessed by a whim
some may see it as love
some condem it as sin
all i can tell you is that
when its your turn to deal be cautious
with how it may begin
if you let it,
it will do you in.

KNOWN AS JAMES

i wanted to hand them to you
i've wanted to share them with you
all my words hidden on pages
kept to myself.

i wanted to give them to you
i wanted to share them with you
but i've kept my distance
i've kept myself in check.

i've watched you and tried to judge,
i've hinted and fantasized
i've weighed the consequences
of trying to put myself in your view.

i've backed away several times
from saying things that would not be right,
could not be understood
that would be wrong.

i've watched you grow from when we first
met, my perspective so different,
and yours so new.
a bridge between the two would never be
allowed.

i'm thankful i can have my dreams,
as long as they stay hidden within me,
and away from you my dear young girl,
in them i'll have and be with you
knowing it can never be.

THE BEACH

i sit and watch
those images pass by,
youthfull bliss,so vividly suppressed
so many liberties
squandered too soon.
ageless youth has its problems
as it mirrors the images of old refrains and makes them new.

tender touches innocently passed,
each our own thoughts
from our vantage points we view,
what we need
and what we'd do.
perhaps it's best to ignore
those things that its too late to do.

fresh and alive and so naive,
the attraction deems a resourceful move.
a crap shoot at best
the gap is so wide.
my inflections interpreted
as an old guys jive.

ah yes,
seventeen and all there is to do,
pop a beer and shoot a few,
vulnerable, but to a degree,
defenses strong as they'll need to be.
dependent upon those that provide
independent of those that dare to deride,
sceptical of those who'd idolize,
hip to those that recognize what you are.

this is for the children
that we try to smother with our past,
and do it so often that they have a hard time
hearing us when we are right.

they look to us early on
and we try to guide them,
dreading that first thought of innocent
challenge;
knowing that it will take us by surprise.

and like a prize fighter,
they will see it in our eyes.

STRAIGHT SHOOTER

I HATE IT WHEN...

once you said
that we were an illusion
moon and stars
that lent an air of confusion,
then pretended it was
just things you'd heard,
but weren't using.

you told me it was just a matter of time before you stepped over
your imaginary line
some place between the stars and the moon.
i offered comfort
and you called me unkind.

when i asked, you said it was something beside me, all in all i said it was something
you were hiding
whats the harm you asked silently,
if it keeps you from crying?
don't decide i thought
and it will keep you from trying.

i was right.

FORGONE CONCLUSIONS

minutes pass by
while we wonder
at the hours lost
on those without watches.

erasers of time
only the wounds healed
like rings of a tree
its happened to me.

as you move
through lifes mazes
the way can get more obscure
not more famaliar
as you're led to believe.

for its those famaliar things
you can't see that do the damage.

as the end approaches
and you struggle to be free
its the unasked questions
not the unanswered
that makes them leave.

and forgone conclusions
suddenly don't mean a thing.

ON THE RUN

nonsense city
just you and me
disjointed phrases
they call it reality.

hide out places
no one knows
reservations made
without a fee.

watching, you match the words to my lips,
both stories you've heard
compassion at a price
you display such reserve.

no stamps on your hand
you're in to stay,
listening, you ask,
what did i say?

how do you reason
i finally reply,
without honesty
theres no responsibility!
its a challenge, you said,
that appeals to me.

streams of consciousness
free of hesitation, illusive as love,
using faith as a binder
in this trial called fate
trade ins on pleasures
of loathing and hate.

don't trust in mirrors
were your parting words,
don't expect me or ask more
than independence;
place your trust in nouns
not verbs.

i wonder.

FORTY YEARS LATER

a friend of life
a proponet of good, of choice,
of things fair
a challenger of status
bringing hope to so many
bringing fear too.

i remember the day
clearer now with time
than the details of having lived the actual event.
it was lunch time when i was told,
kids in the cafeteria, time on our hands.
i was told by someone close to me
someone i trusted
but what she said couldn't be true
i laughed while she repeated what she'd said.
her tone of voice, once i listened, told me more than any words possibly could.
and to this day her tone resonates.

and to this day, though i know its true,
i still find it hard to believe.

i remember more now about it
than i could accept or understand
as the events unfolded before me.
from the moment i understood as best as i could what i'd been told, thru the days of
childhood wonder
at actions from adults like i'd never seen,
to events they'd never seen, and none of us could believe.

days went by consumed by confusion
spent in front of tv sets
placed as prominately as american flags
looked at as intently as truth
barely understood by most
of any age or group,
we watched as images flashed by
as we all found it so easy
to cry together.

it was a moment
when millions lost their innocence.
when millions lost their breath,
it wasn't war,
it wasn't that simple. it wasn't just a moment in regular time
it was a lifetime in a moment
for those that were in it
a lifetime of disbelief, a turning point that
changed all of us by forcing questions
and offering only grief.

and now, all these years later, ceramonies can't make the feelings go away. none can remove the mark on our hearts, for that space is reserved for what we lost, that day so many years ago.

definitions of trust and hope changed, the word "why" taking on more meanng than it should have ever been allowed to.
and there aren't any reasons now to explain it as there weren't any then.

those of us that cried together still wonder why. knowing only that there aren't any answers now as there weren't any then. while each passing year brings that day to visit us again, and we realize what could have been, could have been.

A THOUGHT FOR AERIN

how i watch you in wonder
your smile, the tone of your replies
the child in your eyes.
such a developed sensitivity
and smart enough not to let anyone abuse it.

the wonderment in your expression,
i hope it pulls you through,
times will be tough and it may not be enough
when life forces you to take its lessons.

courteous enough to listen
feigning interest is not your style,
i'm sure you'll let me give you advice,
then make up your mind to do something
else.
trust me, i promise i'll never lie to you,
and i don't think i'll ever have to.

i hope you will remember when you are older
everything i could i offered.
to make your life happy
my love was stronger
than father to daughter
even though we didn't start life
in that order.

SAT. NIGHT-8'85

lets not be seventeen
you said as we pressed together,
drawn together
then touched me ever so softly.

once i held you in darkness
unwilling to let go.
like the first time i touched you
( as you recalled ) i was surprised too.

you say you're cautious based on where you've been,
closed in, or out, by those before me
( they weren't me as i'm not them )
i'd rather just be us,
no invitations to crowds we can't see,
i'm private too.

i like to watch the changes take place
when i catch you unaware.
the experience as we observe those
moments between us,
like a childs game of truth and dare.
i cherish each one, watching the future
being built while waiting for the next one
to appear.

i wonder about the challenge you said,
and who will bore whom, i said i figured its
easier to be silly
than insincere or immature,
some might call it style
while others might not even care.

TUNE TO THE ONE I LET GET AWAY

don't pretend the time has been short.
it feels to me
like we were friends before the start,
funny i never noticed
until you were the one brave enough
to stop and stare,
but sure as could be
you've been there all the time.

these few days i've wondered
how close our paths could be
you with the brightness of star shine
me like the clock out of time.
i'll tell you now, the first time i love you
i won't be pretending to scream
i'll sing three choruses of something fine
with your smile as the harmony.

your innocence took hold of me
the magic only beauty and sorcerers know
cast my way so quickly and keen
i couldn't believe it was a scheme.
i've been jolted before to be sure
but never stopped so abrubtly
as the times you've reached to touch me.

apparently, time has slowed to show me
forever is here to hold me,
and you are all i seem to need.
i know love has finally found me
and i surrender before it gladly
head bowed, happy, and i hope gracefully.

CYNTHIAS DREAM-3/'90

you said friends were in from out of town
making use of the inference that
entertainment is what kept me waiting
to hear from you.

how like me to resent it
and feel silly about my
antcipation around your reply.
i thought it was my letter
that put you off,
as i explained, it was written while
under one influence or another, but
meant to reveal intentionally my less
serious side.

i still haven't figured out what it is
that you haven't said you do, and i'm
feeling rather like the cat i have to admit.
maybe its magnified by all this time i have,
and not having enough to do while
waiting to hear from you.

i was up late last night reading
old poetry and songs i dreamed one day
i'd do.
i separated out the obscenely stupid pieces
from the ones that could have life, and
thought i'd like to read them to someone
and thought of you.

yeah, struck me as silly, but an idea
that might come true, if i can
get your attention
and finally just meet you.

SUDDENLY MANAGEABLE

just like a picture book
you stood there
silent promises
lingering ever so sweetly in the air.
a magic spell cast over me
i blinked to make sure you weren't a dream.

it was hidden so well
behind smiles and asides
strung together with such artistry
i was oblivious to the implications.
my wheels spun as their apt to do
leaving me guessing who was who,
while both of us silently complained
this was nothing new.

time, so long as it can be,
passes by with such apparent clarity,
i wondered with a certain cautiousness
where i really was when near you.
such a rare time it had been,
such a short time to meet
and hold each other with arms so full.

first signs were ignored
taken as something to adjust to,
how blind we can be
in the face of something new.
now, bringing back the chains of ire,
you turn towards me like i'm the cause
of what transpired.

digging through your unshared memories
of one sided scenarios,
to settle old agruments and have the final say,
loosing track of counter points made
along the way,
you ask why i'm distressed
and i reply "whats missed,
i can certainly manage without this."

SOMEBODYS LOVE SONG

i didn't mind
when you walked away
didn't mind when you
smiled that way
didn't cry when you
left that way
didn't hear you
when you didn't say good bye
leaving me only with a wish
and my prayers.

not even close to being close to
here or there
couldn't care when you
walked away, didn't cry
'til i thought you'd stay away.

let it go 'til it
caught up with me
caught me watching as you
walked away, and say
isn't this love, yeah well
isn't this grand isn't this what makes
a boy out of a man.

didn't mind
when you walked away
didn't mind that you
smiled that way, oh hey
didn't cry when you
left that wlay
didn't hear you even say, baby
i can't go on this way.

you didn't say good bye
only left me with a wish
and my prayers.
well hey, isn't this grand
isn't this what makes
a boy out of a man
well isn't this grand?

let it go ' til it
caught up with me
caught me watching as you
walked away, and say
isnl't this love, yeah well
isn't this grand
isn't this what makes
a boy out of a man?

AGAIN AND AGAIN

i don't think it will be enough
to simply hold you
and mess up your lipstick this time,
i want to hold you while you breathe
and be close enough to match each breath with you.

you've kept me going lately,
when i've run low from all the energy it takes to create an air of normalcy.
the thought of hearing you sigh while
staring eye to eye,
with the mercury rising in our thighs
my hand on you where most girls care,
preccupies my mind from sleep through rise.

i think of your smile and your laugh
and get so distracted i've written my
epitaph, should i die of some fatal mistake
that occurs while day dreaming, it's written
to you and ends with,
"please join me soon."

believe me, i'm not a grappler in the dark.
i'll find you and make you shake in places
that were once calm as lakes.

you'll feel like you may never walk,
or if so, not the same. and you'll need more.
you'll never be dissapointed as my obsession with loving you will become
a passion for you like you've never known.
then, while your hands unclench
and the air returns to your lungs,
my kiss will make you live it all again,
and again.

CAUGHT BY THE SOUNDS

the hallway past your room
revealed sounds like no other,
if one stopped to listen,
that either came through your soul
or kept it hidden away.

the smiles left at the doorstep
seemed to hide more than they offered,
no matter how hard one stared,
past the sounds and ignored the scene.

sounds of pain inflicted by your own hand conflicted with the sounds one
was drawn to, while silently stepping by
noticing the light thru the keyhole,
and thinking about bending down to
match the sounds to the imagination.

questioning the dreams only glasses held to
walls can bring, lusting after moments from
others while pretending it could be theirs.

grabbing parts of people with clenched fists
your smile saved for the one
that can offer you something
you never knew could exist.

the radio turned up to hide the thrills,
your neighbor knows all the tunes coming thru
and i can sing them all too.
but my knees hurt from time spent
wondering about you.

MAMAS BOYS ALL

i see the pictures
of your wasted lives in the streets
blood filled gutters, bodies covered in sheets
tear drops falling
from eyes of family members
that couldn't stop you
from your tragic fate.

he was a good boy, they all say
where were they when he wasn't?
who am i to believe
what i see, what the dead good boys do,
who did they cross that made them
a part of what happens to the bad boys?

they never do wrong, if you believe
those only left with tears.
i can't have any sympathy
if you can't help stop the senselessness
of it.

you, the mothers of bad and good boys all,
will continue to bury both too soon
until you teach them and explain,
guns don't kill, people do.

STARSTRUCK

this is my only way
to get close to the fantasy
of standing in the spotlight
hearing you echoing my words
back to me to the
backbeat that everyone feels.

on their feet eyes transfixed
thumb on the trigger of a light
waiting to be struck
at just the right time.

the downbeat, the dramatic second of silence before the thunder
in front of a moment
ahead of a smile
and then, we sing.

THE JACKIE TRILOGY

HAWAII HAIKU, MONDAY AFTERNOON

as i sit and wait
for you
to come out of the
other room
or back in
from the balcony
and think about smiling
and grabbing you from behind,
i suddenly remember you're gone now
and feel what it is like
to miss someone again.

THE MIDGE

when you've been hooked
to those feelings for so long
they'll run into you everywhere you go.
i'm not tring to preach anything
i just thought you should know,
being careful is fine,
i've been scared too
but don't hide from or be afraid of
what you might find.
different spaces come from hidden places
we all have to travel some,
and i guess you feel overdue.

after a year of sitting on my hands
it was nice to touch you, still,
i can't help wondering
if you turn that famaliar corner
what the effect will be if you find your eyes fixed on me,
will i seem what you think you need
or will a smile be the final touch
for someone who cared so much?

there's no need to explain
i can understand the confusion,
i've walked down this road before
stumbling threw similar doors.
only, keep in mind,
that time and travel can be mixed.

if you're willing to take the chance,
the offer still stands,
in the meantime
i'm warming my hands.

CROPPED MEMORIES

looking thru old snapshots of you smiling
it makes me sad to think
thats all i've left of those times
when we were laughing.

all those unalterable wheels
we set in motion
unable to relent, each defending our ground.
graduates of Custers school,
like survivors of an early morning duel
with blanks in the chambers,
we were our own best and last man.

but still, i miss your touch
as i craved it then,
no matter how often
i questioned you, i could never get enough.
if only we could of spent all our time
in each others warmth
instead of so much time
at each others throat.

and yes, i'm to blame for those times
when my insecurity was so out of control,
while your independence was so sacred,
that even love could be cast aside.
its so sad to think about it now
but not enough
to make me want to go back
because surely there wouldn't be
any way to go ahead.

JUST DON'T KNOW

well i was here and i waited
for the phone to make a sound
i got here early
to make sure i wouldn't miss you
that was quite a few hours ago
and now, i just don't know.

i guess you've figured that i don't need to know, that silence will take
care, it's less painful for you?
or maybe it somehow makes us even
and it'll teach me not to jump to soon.
i just hate not having heard from you.

a few soft words of good bye
no sorrys needed
just a simple so long would do
and why you won't say it
well now, i just don't know.

what could i have said
that possibly could have affected you?
what threats could i use or old fears persue when we never had the
chance
to have any, now i guess i'll never know.

i guess you've figured that i don't need to know,
that silence will take care, it's less painful
for you.
or maybe it somehow makes us even
and it'll teach me not to jump too soon.

i just hate not having heard it from you
at least to say good bye
no sorrys needed
just a simple so long would do.
and why you won't say it
well now i just don't know
i guess a simple good bye wouldn't do
i just hate not having heard it from you.

ONE OF A TON TO SHARON #2

another night for a beautiful woman
head turned just so
hair not too delicately in place
a hint of a smile on the face.

heads turn as you parade
looking ever so in control and poised
no one seeing through the charade
another beautiful woman
lost in the lookers maze.

somewhere in there
behind the facades you have in place
i'm sure there is another face
another form of demeanor
what's the reason for your vague disclaimers?

what's it like bringing
whirlwinds to their knees
conversations to a stop,
shattering dreams.
waiting while life comes to you
while the rest of us steal into line,
i imagine a bit like being lonely,
i envy you and wish you were mine.

SHADOWS OF JOAN C.

after all these years
suddenly you what to hear from me.
me from nowhere
me the nobody never nothing,
are you curious to see if you were right, because i'm sure were not
dealing with guilt feelings here.

i don't need that scene
that would be sure to be staged,
the tears soon giving way
to the same old games with words.

how many times i've asked myself
how can i please you
i don't know.
i need to live for me
and lose all the tears you gave me.
i always thought i was tough
but more and more
i find
i'm just adept at escaping
and tomorrows are so near i can feel them,
where before i use to just imagine,
Christ, what a difference.

THE SCENEARIO

and there we were,
caricatures of ourselves looking every which way,
eyes open playing invisible.

what an odd way to meet
across the room, across the yard,
beyond the past with that perspective in the air,
with no recall of the hunger that turned us away.

i felt so lost in that space
that used to be comsumed by two.
yet, i know i could walk across those impenetrable glances to hold you,
but i was never one for half hearted hits,
and i need to feel
when i'm kissed that i'm kissed.

fortunately, i know why now
when i'm feeling this way, and like i've told you
i don't feel one way or the other. ( you sounded so incredoulous when i
said that, and i was so matter of fact )
well, anyway, i'll put it all down on my forget list, and will,
apparently not the only one.

HIDE AND SEEK

your innocence caught me because i thought it was for me,
until i saw it for what innocence is,
a momentary stage between being naive and thinking you know it all.

somewhere, sometime, long after i fell
victim to your lips
and the pressure of your teeth
on my ear,
i did my Houdini routine
and hid behind the illusions
of someone i try to be.

before i was sure about those things
that one laughs at after staring them down,
i discovered that it's easier to say, i see,
than it is to tell someone that you thought
they would be blind to a crying babies needs.

and after that stage
i fell helpless to those who said they only wanted
to please me. i didn't realize
it was more important for them
to fulfill their needs
than it was for them to help with mine.

and like a child under covers
with a flashlight
that's how you came to me,
excitement at the possibility
no fears of the unknown.

such things are best left
to the young
as invulnerable as they can be
more resilient than those more mature
and surer to see.

however, somewhere between the left over questions
and the way i used to be,
i felt i'd lost sight
of what i imagined was we
and realized once you'd left
all i had was my version of the imagery.

ONE TOO MANY IDLE THOUGHTS

its sweets i like
not feets
its flight i like
not storks looking to land
its the silence after love i like
not the prelude to war
or the withdrawal after the battle
its spooning i like
not the forked tongue
its the sunset i like
not a sunburn
its the breath you take i like
not the time you take to leave
its the air i like
not the smell downwind
its the fun
not the trouble
its the tears i dislike
left in the rubble
its the time it takes
not the taking of time
its holding hands
not the gripping
that i like
its love that i look for
not the looking
that i like
its those few moments
not the drudgery
that i like
its the easy freedom
not the difficult restraint
that i want
its time at its coldest
that makes me think
trying to remember
why.
its the sunny days
its the sunsets haze
its those beach dreams
taken to extremes
that i need.

NOT EXACTLY FORGOTTEN

years and years went by
years and years melted away
with just a phone call
just words over the line
wiped out by time, took me back
to a time that i thought had died.
children, husbands wives and lovers
jokes about our mothers
a past that was so buried
behind memories after
the last time we kissed
the last time we laughed
brought into the future
around the past
through time
between memories of
treasures buried in our minds eye.
caught up on each others lives
caught up in each others lives
tapping back into the attraction
of a time so pure and honest
laughing at the indiscressions of
those that we encountered
those that took advantage of
the purity that was so much a part of what we thought we were or
entitled to be.
death and life hand in hand
never thinking that either of us
might walk that line or cross over
past the point where youth and
hubris fall to their knees
before a cross erected by
lives that needed a cross to bare.
and now you face life as never before
with an understanding that you question
even though you say that faith has been guiding you all these years.
all i can offer is faint encouragement
bolstered by hope that you are right and that your faith is what you
need to believe it to be.
i'm not sure it is love that brings me to your side, i'm not sure if
there is anything
i have to offer or if i have anything that you need, but i do know i
don't want you to leave in the way that you are affraid you might, with
only days to figure out why the happiness basket has another name on it
than yours.
don't go, please don't go.

FOR BRIGHT EYES

i'm a phantom of your past
a memory without resonance
a person that you saw pass by
walking through half a dream
while you were wide awake.

carrying a fantasy of something
that fantasies can never be
close to the heart
but far from a rational thought
nearer to a wish
than anything most know as real,
better than anything most accept.

a space in the heart and mind
reserved for a special memory
of nothing that ever existed
of something only one ever knew
held apart from other memories
kept alive by hope.

hidden away from years
that passed
by a passion of wonder
at the chance the dream
could come to pass.
only to be held
by the one that had the reserve
to pass on the reasons that made it all absurd,
filed in a place
where most have left behind
things they could say
but no one ever heard.

and now while challenged
by the reality facing the dream
hope still raises possibilities
while confusion parades by,
past what we all
recognize as stop signs
placed in the road for safety,
but on this road
no one gets any breaks
on this road one only has
what one takes,
left turns and rights
can catch one up in mistakes.

and while we hold only ourselves
late at night
is it sad to wonder at it all?

" BUSY SIGNAL "

i called jesus today and his line was busy
it wasn't an important call
i had a simple question;
one that most have figured out by my age.
but his automatic protective voicemail screening program kicked in
and kicked me out of a long line of souls
waiting for an answer
looking for a clue as to why,
as to why.

i tried all the tricks
hit the zero button to try and get
back to the jesus operator
but nothing would work that i could do.

i have a family member that sends me bibles
and includes messages that he thinks
will fill in the blanks he envisons the bible
will get me through. its a situation that i wish i could say i knew,
but i can't quite figure out
what hes up to-is it concern
or is it projection of his loses he wants
me to look into?

if time was anywhere near the trouble
it takes to get past the gates to eden-
giving st. peter an answer that would give
one a bye-
if passages written eons ago meant
anything other than caution left at
crossroads where lives lost their meaning,
then maybe the bibles pages
could provide the true direction
that its followers would like us to believe.

somewhere between i believe and i understand
there is an atlantis sized gap
filled in by conjecture- fueled by hope,
where one can wonder at notions, never sure about the consequences of
what some perceive as truth,
unless one believes in the unseen and
the unknown-
which of course is the ultimate test of
both faith and trust, at least to some-

and the difference is?